Cheryl Cole

She’s the nations Geordie Princess, the brightest gem we have.

But is she proper glamour or a Gucci wearing chav?

She glows on prime time telly, her former roots she snubs,

But without her team of stylists she’s basically N-Dubz.

Once a fifth of Girls Aloud, she’s now a solo Queen,

She’d rather have Malaria than an hour with Nadine.                     

But last year was a tough one, her husband got caught sexting,

Bt If u marry a love rat footballer, what are you expecting?

 texting naughty pictures, the lowest of the low.

The divorce much like his phone contract became Pay As You Go.

And it’s through this tabloid scandal that Ashley became Wife-less,

Leaving our lovely Cheryl feeling weak and limp and lifeless.

That’s when she got her illness and it struck her fragile frame,

But shes always been stick thin so she really looked the same.

We can speculate about her size, and how much she might weigh,

 But gobbling a Black Eyed Pea counts towards her five a day.

If Simon takes her with him, across the Atlantic she will jet,

Puzzling all those poor Americans by  screaming ‘why aye pet!’

Her last few days in Britain, how she’ll spend them may well shock,

She’s gonna rub her arsehole over Danni’s lovely frocks.

But Cheryl could pass as a Yankee, she’ll love the fifth amendment,

It’ll get her off scot free when pummelling toilet attendants.