The Only Way is Essex

The Only Way is Essex, the only way to what?

To spout out constant drivel and not wear an awful lot?                     

Some say the whole show is staged, that’s easy to appeal,

Fake boobs, fake tan, fake eyelashes, what part of it aint real??

A group of friends from Essexs, proudly made In Dagenham,

And when one girl is out of sight the others sit round Slaggin’ em.

Meet Essexs biggest cowbags, Sam, Amy and Lucy,

Who love a bitching session whilst gluing rhinestones round their pussy’s.

This new form of body art is christened the Vajazzle,

Like a nasty yeast infection but with some added dazzle.

Prit sticking glitter round your bits, that’s what makes you famous,

One’s even stapled gunned a feather boa round her anus.

With Vajazzled privates, their the pride of Billeracy,

I’ve seen a sequined cunt before -  Ann Widdecombe on Strictly.

To compliment these silly tarts, these bargain bucket divas,

They’ve found some eligible men (or Perma-tanned amoebas.)

The lads are London blokey, all cockney, Arsenal ,Spurs,

Floating around the woman like a rapey Olly Murrs.

It’s just a stab at a British Hills, proof tv’s got odder,

Watching sleazy geezers chase round page 3 fodder.

But if a boys get lucky, and pulls the looker of the pack,

It’ll be just like going down on a fishy Art Attack.

And so the show must always end with 2 girls proper shouting.

Lets cheers the death of dignity, voiced by Denise Van Outen.